This Friday morning, as usual I was finishing up the morning chores and getting ready for office. When I was done, I had a few minutes to spare before going out to catch my office bus. I decided to start reading the newspaper (I read it in the bus. :-D) and my eyes caught the article from a recent interview of Indra Nooyi, the PepsiCo CEO. As I have always admired her, I was very much interested in the article. To add to the appeal, it was about her motherhood experiences. However I didn't really know what to make of the article; it kind of started me thinking. My first reaction was that of sadness - looks like the feeling of 'guilt' that working Moms have is universal and even an extraordinary amount of success doesn't wash it away completely. On further thoughts, I felt a kinship with her - So I am not the only one who has this 'guilt' bout on occasions. The article was on my mind the entire day (and even this weekend for that matter). I discussed this with M and even with my colleagues - few of them are on the same boat as me!
Since the Facebook COO, Sheryl Sandberg was in India recently and had addressed Indian women (mainly professionals) on her now famous philosophy aka book - 'Lean In', there was bound to be comparisons. In the Indian print media, both these differing thoughts created quite a buzz and whole lot of debates started. As a result, some really good articles came out focusing on motherhood and career. However in many of the comparative discussions, people out-rightly rejected what Indra Nooyi said. I don’t really understand the thought process career women have when they say that Indra is not making sense at all. Am I the only one who thinks that maybe she isn’t talking all that nonsense? Let’s see what she has said.
Per Mrs Nooyi, “the biological clock and the career clock are in total conflict with one another”– She is so right! Your late 20’s/early 30’s is the time when you are rising up on the chain and breaking towards the managerial position in your workplace. It is also the time by when you need to ‘settle’ in your personal life.. and the settlement here includes kids as well. Many decide to have kids and this puts a delay in your moving up the ladder. Though in recent times, we see many exceptions to this. Some women focus more on their career, some more on their family and some try to balance it out! But it all does suggest that we are making choices and trying to balance it all out. We cannot always “lean in” and many a times knowingly lean out. I agree with the Facebook COO that we sometimes lean out even before its needed and we need not kill our ambition just because we have a family to take care of. A fine balance between both the extremes is needed.
Women “cannot have it all" – Of course we cannot. No one can for that matter. We need to define what all needs to be included in this ‘all’ of ours. A cost benefit analysis is always part of our decision making and planning process. You sometimes do not take a task in office voluntarily since it would mean more time away from your kid. As you leave for home early, your boss gives a critical and visible assignment to someone else. There are N such scenarios. I can leave Shaurya and go to my office based on the plan that M will leave late for office and I will reach home early. With 2.5 hours of afternoon time in school and around 1 to 1.5 hours gone in nap, we thought this is doable. We miss out on a few things but that is our choice. Everyone makes similar plans and modifies his/her life around the kids with their best and in turn decide what ‘all’ is needed!
About the ”guilt” statement, I don’t think she is so wrong. I have had the same guilty feelings so many times. It is not like I am wallowing in guilt and self-pity but there have been many doubts. I worry, if my leaving him at home, will have a long term not-so-good impact on his attitude or personality. Since I come from a family where women have always been homemakers, this has been a difficult decision to make. But I have referred to many of friend’s and their mom’s experience and having a working mom doesn't seem to spoil a kid. I have my hopes set on the same and believe that Quality time matters more than Quantity. But then again the doubts resurface when I hear or read of a bad experience! And it’s not just one kind of guilt that women have – feeling guilty when you have to leave your child and go to office, there are also cases when women feel guilty for leaving their job for the kids! I am sure men or shall I say fathers do not feel any such guilt since the role definition for them is clear, they are the providers (even in their mind). It’s we the nurturers who have all the doubts.. :-( ;-).
Since we cannot really have it all, we have to make choices and decide on the important ‘alls’ we want and then go for it. And the support of our spouse and family on this is a must have! We need to work together on all the decisions that are made. In the end, the important thing is to have peace with your decision.. I think it will ultimately remove all the guilt and associated feelings. As M said, Satisfaction will make you realize that you indeed ‘have it all’ !
